Written one cold winter’s morning in 1992, recovered in 2020
As I walked towards the lake, I could see the stark image of the mountain range in the background. There was a dip in the valley where the early morning sun was shining through the clear skies, it was truly a beautiful sight. In the foreground, the lake held a mist that clung to the surface as if it were attached in some way. But the mist was moving around like it was uncomfortable. All was still, too still. It was very cold with the lake half-frozen and the fields all white. The sun had still to rise over the dip in the distance but was getting nearer every step I took.
This was the quietest morning. No birds, no cars, not a sound. When I moved it sounded like a tremor as I crunched along the icy road. I looked around to see if I was being watched, I was anxious and breathed heavily. In my mind was a thousand thoughts, but then were interrupted to concentrate on my footwork, I was heading for a dip in the mountains, the Austrian border. I had been here before and knew where to go but it seemed so different. True it was winter, and I was last here in summer, but that was almost 10 years ago.
So much had changed, a girl I fell in love, Evi with lived just over the mountain in front of me. We had shared a sun-kissed summer together, it was wild, careless, we lost ourselves. Memories flooded back to her even though my heart was now with another. My stomach drew tight and my heart sank, I felt a tear from my eye. I quickly wiped it away resigning it being from the cold. But the thoughts continued, why when I was happy in love with Sophie. Suddenly the sun streamed over the top and shone directly towards me. It brought such a change in the scenery as the snow and ice glistened, the mist rose into tall streaks over the lake.
My attention drifted momentarily towards the time as a young teenager we took the cable car from the dip to the top of the mountain all those years ago. It was summer and a hot one at that, when we had reached the top, we ran down the other side without a care in the world. I remember running through the trees at the bottom and jumping straight into the lake. What a feeling it was. Oh, so far away, it was like another life it was so distant. How I had changed. I suddenly felt sad like a pain of sorts and a weakness. What was I grieving, nothing at all? The shadow cooled me as I walked nearer to the lake which was only a few hundred yards away. That thought of summer here long ago distracted me to where I met that loved one. Distant memories but were in fact only a few months ago, so much had happened to those beautifully tanned bodies lying on the beach and hazy lazy nights. Summer seemed endless, that’s what I loved about beach backpacking life.
Back in the present, I could hardly feel my feet but somehow my wandering mind had kept me going – as I searched for meaning to these mirages of the mind. This morning’s journey was supposed to be a straightforward hitch to a friend’s place, but I had spent such little time to myself recently, Munich was taking its toll on me. Even with the freezing conditions, like always, I seem to revel in confronting myself in the great outdoors.
I felt in the dark as far with my new love Sophie, it brought anxiety, she was about 2000 miles away and I just didn’t see how we could make it work. The problem with backpacking relationships happens when people move away and distance gets involved. Sophie had moved back to London and I lived in Germany. I did not want to live in London, even though I thought of her every day. I hated being in love, it was so consuming, and things just got put off all the time. Even though I was thinking in the moment of Evi, I knew it was over and I had made it so. Maybe it was the first time expressing these feelings. Despite her flaws, she was beautiful, a mystery and that’s what had attracted me. Comfortable on any subject, but protected her past, we were kindred spirits. I felt selfish at this moment.
Again, I noticed I could hardly feel my feet and then my senses returned. Somehow my mind raced but not begun to delve into my own fears, but I was trying. I had not moved for a few minutes and realised that I was staring at a frozen tree, I shook myself and felt sudden coldness down my back. I was now halfway along this lake that from a distance seemed quite long but was only very short. A farm was near, and I could hear some birds and chickens. The morning was waking up. I walked on looking back down the road I had just walked to see the fog creep up behind me. In front was a stiff climb up to the rise but the fog had spread all around and quickly engulfed me. It seemed that all I had was my thoughts as there was no view to inspire me. Funny, cause all I could think was how long it had been, and did I really know where I was going. I felt lost so waited at the side of the road and stuck my thumb out. Well, it was what I knew best in these situations.
A melancholy moment caught in time, neither romance worked out, but the mountains have always been there for me when I need them. The following week, the anthem to my summer was realised: Always Take The Weather With You – Crowded House 1992